So I totally forgot I had this for a while... Whoops!!
I've been a bit busy to say the least. Been studying my brains out for school and trying to get that finished in hopes that I can land a job. I hate NOT working. I hate being home all the time and I hate relying on the hubby's paycheck to scrape by.
So things have been going well with my bio family so far. Talk to my birth mom every few days. One of my brothers contacted me and called me by surprise, but we are deffinately siblings that's for sure!
My "emptyness" that I've always felt is slowly going away which is wonderful. To those who have never been denied their rights to their culture, heritage, and where they came from wouldn't understand what this emptyness is and why it is so important. I probably wouldn't understand either if I weren't adopted. It reminds me of when my mom always told me that people always want what they can't have. It's true. I am denied my rights, so I want my rights!
I am planning on calling the office of Vital records again to see that if my bio mom gives them permission, they can release my documents. I don't see why they couldn't but I have already been told before that they won't do it. The lady was quite rude to me actually... I don't remember the exact words she said but I know she had asked why I was so adament(sp?) about insignificant stuff. Then when I asked why , even with permission from biological family, I could not obtain this info. She said something like my efforts aren't good enough, and she said that I shouldn't clog their phone lines with questions like that and that i should just go protest it or something.
One thing I don't understand is that whenever I talk about my adoption around others, or ask people questions as to why I have different rights, no one cares. It is not important to them so therefore they feel it is not important and that I am "over reacting." I get told that i am ungrateful all the time, that I am just hurting my a-family and that makes me selfish. How does wanting to know my origin, my roots, and my identity selfish? Once again like I mentioned before. I had no choices or rights as an infant. I did not choose to be born, I did not choose to be put up for adoption, and I did not choose to have to deal with the things that have come from being adopted. I was forced to be a blank slate that my adoptive parents thought they could mold me into whatever they wanted.....to be like them, look like them, act like them, etc. Everything was chosen for me. How is that selfish of me? I just simply wanna know who I am!! The one thing I ever asked for. I get told hurtful things all the time about me being adopted. One person told me that "YOU ARE A LOSER! Your adoptive parents are so unlucky to have adopted you. You should have been aborted!!!" If you do not know me, how do you know I am a loser? I want evidence that proves your statement correct. And according to a forum I have been following and inputting into, being put down about my adoption, being rejected the same rights as everyone else, etc. those are not valid enough reasons to prove that adoptees are discriminated against. It doesn't take a war, a genocide, public humiliation, etc to mean a group is discriminated against. I will side with those who said that for a moment and say, there's not a public knowledge of what adoptees go through, the things we are faced with on a daily basis, the discrimination we have faced and will face. It's not out in the open. Not all adoptees talk about how they feel or what they've been through as it is painful and tramatic sometimes, also in fear of judgement and the cruelty that we do face when we talk about it. So it may not be obvious discrimination to most. But it is there. If only people would be willing to sit and listen to a group of adoptees talk about our stories and what we have faced and overcome, without judgement and cruel remarks, It would be amazing and weight lifting.
WOW!! I can't believe I haven't updated this in so long. (4 months.) Well, A LOT has happened in my life. A LOT. I have located my birth family. both my biological mother and her side of the fam and my biological father. I have 3 half brother and 1 half sis.
Reunion has been good... I haven't had the courage or finances to meet anyone in person yet. However, we keep in contact via facebook and skype. So far my a-mom has been handeling it very well I think. ( she may just be bottling it all up. I don't know.) All i know is that she has been very respectful and mature about it which is amazing.
It is so strange to know that you look like somebody. I can see the resemblence in my half brother wiley and in my b-mom. It's crazy!
Also another HUGE change in my life, ....on Christmas day, I found out I am pregnant!!! My husband and I have been trying for 3 years!!! Honestly, I didn't have any symptoms. I just knew my period was due to start on the 25th or 26th and had a free pregnancy test in my ovulation kit. ( it was the first ovulation kit to actually say i was ovulating...thanks to Chlomid.) I took it, forgot about it all day. Got home around 9pm or so and saw that it had 2 very faint lines on it. I thought it wasn't acurate because I had left it sitting for so long. The instructions said not to read it after an hour. So we went to walgreens and bought a 2 pack. I took one when we got home and the "+" was so faint I could barely make it out. I decided to wait until the morning to take my other one ( like i am supposed to do.) Took that one and within seconds, the + sign was bright blue!....got 2 tests taken at the dr's office. Both urine and blood and those came back positive too!
So i was super excited but in disbelief. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening to me. I felt like everyone was pulling a hug prank on me. I got an ultra sound done at 6 weeks and 3 days. It felt a little more real but didn't sink in. Had an ultra sound 9 days ago and it felt real then. I heard the heart beat, saw the baby rolling around, and it looked human. I AM SUPER EXCITED!!! I am 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant. It has flwon by so fast.
I have been super lucky and have had very little to mild symptoms. Honestly my worst weeks was when i was about 5- weeks pregnant. I felt nauseated, bloated, no appetit, headaches, hot flashes and my boobs were killing me! But since then, I really haven't had many symptoms. Now it's just myback that hurts and occasionaly my sense of smell is crazy!! I don't really have a baby bump. I have lost 16 lbs since ive been pregnant. I think it'sbecause ive been eating healthier and drinking more water. I dunno. but the baby is fine. I jsut look bloated and fat all the time. I can't wait until this belly turns into a noticeable bump!
Anyways there's my update, I will really try to update this more frequently now.
I am going to copy and paste an entry that I made in another forum. I am just too lazy to retype it. Another member had asked if it was normal for adoptees to dream and wish about going back to the day of birth and being able to see their birthmom. Or that they would be able to recognize their face or voice from being in utero for 9 months. I can recall thinking about this a lot growing up. It was one of those random thoughts that would pop into my head in my everday life. Alot of questions like these always seemed to make their presence on random days. (I think it comes with being and knowing that I am adopted.) Anyways, it made me think about my ability to remember things that most people are unable to remember. I feel very gifted that I can remember all the way back to the age of 1. Here is my post:
I have always wished that I could go back to the day I was born and see her face. Sadly, I can't remember back that far. I was also given up at birth. However, I do have memories from when I was as young as 1 years old. I don't remember much but little snippets of my life. I remember being inside my playplen and being bitten by a goose on my first birthday. I remember the toys hanging in that playpen. I remember the layout of the house i lived in up until I turned 2 years old, I remember the many days my family and I played in the pool, (even the red boat shaped flotation device i sat in!)I also remember the day my adoption was finalized. (shortly after I turned 2) I remember being given a giftbag with 2 balloons on it, I remember I was wearing a purple/maroon outfit with black stripes on it, playing with my older brother on the steps of the courthouse. I always thought all of those were dreams until a few months ago when i received a box of pictures from my childhood. it validated all of that. When I even told my mom of my memories, she couldn't believe that I remembered all of that. I am still in shock of this. But in a weird way, I think my body/mind knew what was going on. It knew that I had been separated from my mother, it knew that I had to store these images in my brain to hold on to these important moments for a long time. I didn't find out officially that i was adopted until i was 7 years old. However, I remember that I always felt misplaced, lost, stolen, and I knew that the family that I was living with, wasn't my blood family. My brain and my heart always knew what had happened.. I can't really describe it but maybe it was my bodies way of preparing me for the stuff that comes with being adopted. Maybe it was my bodies way of preventing shock?
I get so tired of non-adoptees telling me I have no idea about adoption. How do I not know about adoption? I am ADOPTED! Hello!! I came across an article about how a gay couple was denied an amended birth certificate of their adopted child because in the state that the child was born, gay marriage was unacceptable. Firstly, i think anyone should be able to marry, and I am all for the gay rights. But this story made me cringe. No adopted parents should be able to amend a birth certificate. Period. A birth certificate states things about the child's birth such as : name, date, weight, length, and who popped out the child! Soooo these adopted parents think that since they bought this child, they are obligated to receive a peice of paper stating they were the involved party to prove ownership. A birth certificate is NOT a certificate of ownership. Amended birth certificates are pure lies! They should be done away with. Anyways, i scrolled through the comments and an adoptive mother stated " i adopted 3 children. I need the birth certificates for schools, medical, etc etc. Why the hell would anyone WANT the birht parents names listed on there???. You don't know anything about adoption." pssshhh....lady you are arrogant. It literally drains the energy out of me trying to explain to an un adopted person how it feels to know you whole life is a bunch of lies and mysteries.
update on my a-mom. well not really much of an update. She says she will mail what info she has of me when she gets around to it. i am willing to bet she will jsut mail a b.c. and a photo album saying that's all she has.. eventhough i know that's a lie. She's expecting that will hold me over for now but it won't. I am not backing down on this issue!
So apparently the law office has destroyed my records, the hospital i was born at destroyed my records, the courthouse destroyed most of my records. WHY??? I know they are all lying. They jsut don't wanna do their jobs. I am pretty sure my files are sitting at a warehouse somewhere collecting dust and becoming nests for spiders and other insects. I found out that to petition for my files, I DO NOT have to be physically in CA.....YAY! HOWEVER none of the clerks want to tell me how to type the petition. Just that it has to meet certain criterira and be in a certain format in order for it to be accepted. When I asked where I can find information on that. She said at the fresno library. Then she changed subject. UGH! So it's a mystery petition. I am going to try and make an appoinment with LEGAL to help me deal with this. I really doubt they are of use either. Last time we went to legal for help, they guy looked at all of our paperwork, receipts , etc and just said " well I am sorry but I can't do anything about this... your situation just SUCKS!" ...ya think?? Well that's a whole nother rant but anyways this whole ordeal feels more and more like an endless maze. I WILL be successful!! I don't care how many office clerks I have to annoy the crap out of!
So I keep running into kinks about my adoption. I managed to find out who my parents attourney was that finalized my adoption. I also found out she was shot to death 7 months ago. It's so incredibly sad! I'm crossing my fingers that her law office still has my court records collecting dust somewhere. Maybe in their crawlspace? Ugh. If it's notone thing , it another.
I am praying for her and her family. She was a strong woman and apparently a really good and respected lawyer! Well I am going to go to bed early tonight because I am getting a head cold :( Everytime i sneeze, my ears ring.. :( BAH-HUMBUG!!!
Here's a fair warning, this post will be a lot of emotion especially for a first post.....But I feel the need to just let it out. I will attempt to make this understandable to anyone who comes across this.
Brief introduction: I was adopted at birth. I was adopted into a normal crazy family ( I believe everyone has a crazy family!) I can't really complain about my life growing up because I know I had it better than some kids. Nice house, parents never seemed to be worried about money, we took vacations, road trips, we had anything we needed, etc. etc. However, I had a lot of emotional baggage. I guess that's what I'd call it.
I was 7 when I found out I was adopted. I asked my mom ( my adopted mom) what the word "adopted" meant. She explained it to me and then told me that I was adopted. I remember being so confused. I thought to myself " A minute ago I totally thought you were my mom..but now, I find out you aren't?" I felt so betrayed, lied to, and so utterly LOST. All of a sudden I had a whole new set of questions to ask her. "Who is my biological mother?", "Where is she?", "Why?", etc. etc.
I am 24 years old now and I am still asking those questions and still, no answers. It's completely frustrating! In fact that's an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I am adopted. I love both of my parents to death( and I consider both of them to be my REAL parents.) They did a great job of raising me with good morals, manners,and respect. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to live in Europe, travel the world, and most importantly, I wouldn't be who I am today.
For the past 6 years I have been trying to find all the missing pieces to my puzzle. My mom told me some names, I recieved non-identifying info from the state of California from which I was born, but nothing is fitting yet. I was adopted privately so all of those missing pieces are "sealed" up in a manila envelope collecting dust somewhere in Sacramento. According to California law, I have no legal right to my own information and files!! It's Crazy!! I can stand before a judge and try to break the seal, but the judge won't usually break the seal unless I am in a life or death situation.
To me, it's absurd that a human being can be denied information about himself. I understand it's to protect my biological mother's rights, blah, blah. But what about mine? How come her feelings and her rights get to be protected but why not mine? Mine just don't matter. I was never given options when I was born. No one asked me how I felt about the situation, no one asked ME to sign the paperwork. Is it because I didn't have the ability to speak? Here I am now, fully able to speak my thoughts and opinions on the topic and yet my voice still isn't being heard and I am still being denied my rights!
After failing to get through that mess, I proceeded to ask my mom more information. As a child, whenever I asked questions,I was never old enough to understand apparently. Now I am a grown adult and still can't get any information from my mom. Why is my life such a big secret? I don't want anymore lies, anymore secrets, anymore setbacks, etc. I just want to find all my pieces! Where are my pieces??
Well as much as I'd like to ramble on, it's almost midnight and I do have a job to go to in the AM. To be continued!!